Widower releases 'Bursting the Bubble' seven years after his beloved wife died

He and his wife Claire and their four children had just found their dream home in Dorset and were looking forward to a new life living in Chideock by the sea.

The dream was curtailed by Claire's sudden death at the age of 43.

At 10.30am on that day, Claire sent her husband a text message to say she had a headache and was vomiting. She was taken to A&E and by 7pm that day she was dead.

She died from acute hypertensive crisis, an extremely rare condition in which her body just shut down.

Two days after Claire died, Mark, a dentistry marketing consultant originally from Watford, created a website to write about his grief.

Seven years later his Lost Without Her blog has developed into a book called Bursting the Bubble.

Mark, 52, said: "I started writing two days after Claire died. My head and my body were in complete overload and I needed something to focus on in my head. I had no idea what I was going to do with it. Initially it was a way of communicating to people details about the funeral when I didn't feel like talking to anyone.

"I started to find the writing process really cathartic."

A few years previously Mark had trained as a life coach, finding the training helping him to play both roles of client and coach and 'reorganising the mess in his head'.

"Knowing that other people were going to read the website meant that I had to make sense in words out of what was going on in my head. It wasn't long after that that people started contacting me, saying 'my wife died' or 'my husband died',"he said.

From there, Mark set up a Facebook group for bereaved husbands, wives and partners and 'it just grew and grew', he said, with a couple even meeting through the group and eventually marrying - and Mark attending their wedding.

The book Bursting the Bubble documents Mark's first year of grief after losing Claire. It is made up of edited material from the blog with an 'intro' and 'outro'

Mark said: "It goes through the first days, weeks and months of grief and anyone who's lost a partner can see what I was going through at the time. There's a index with things like 'anniversaries' and 'wedding rings' so people can turn straight to the bit they're suffering with at the time."

But for anyone concerned about the book being 'morbid', it's as much a celebration of life as it is about death, Mark said.

"Claire was one of life's givers. She volunteered as a counsellor for lots of different organisations and volunteered in a school. She decided to make a career out of counselling and did a psychology degree and then a master's in therapeutic care but she never got to use it.

"I feel like this book is her way of continuing to help others."

Childhood sweethearts Mark and Claire met when he was 16 and she was 15. They married at the age of 23 and 21 and were about to fulfil Claire's long-term ambition of living by the sea, finding a house to live in at Chideock just before she died.

"Claire loved the beach," Mark said. "She had a bunch of flowers on her coffin at her funeral that said 'I'm off to the beach'. The flowers were blue and yellow for the sea and the sand."

Many people have asked Mark if he felt angry at Claire's sudden death, he said, and not being able to say goodbye.

"Anger isn't something I really do. I felt occasionally peeved. As a couple with four young children life was very tough and difficult at times but we lived life as full as we could every day. There was nothing unsaid between us and no argument unresolved.

"I didn't feel angry, I just felt how can this wonderful life come to an end?"

Mark hopes that his book helps people realise they are not alone in their grief.

"If someone has lost a husband, wife or partner they will be having some weird thoughts going on in their head and they'll know how I was feeling.

"As the person moves on through the weeks of grief they'll be able to look at my story and say 'this is possible, I can get through this - there's some light at the end of the tunnel."

Mark also encourages those grieving their spouse or partner to join his Facebook forum.

"Late at night is the time that bereaved people find difficult. During the day you can have your family round providing comfort but they go back to their warm bed next to their husband or wife but you're left alone, so people can start going online at any time and because there's people on there all around the world, you will always find someone awake who will know what you're going through."

Mark particularly wants to encourage men to read the book and join the forum.

"There can be a barrier with men when it comes to grieving," he said. "Women are more open to talking about it. Some men find it hard to acknowledge they have any emotion at all. Lots of people struggle. If one man can open up as a result of reading the book, then that's Claire still having her wish to help people."

Living by the sea in west Dorset, where Claire wanted to be, has been a good environment for Mark to be in while suffering her loss.

As the years passed he challenged himself to take up dancing, something he initially found hard, and before lockdown was dancing three times a week as a demonstrator in Dee Lanning's classes - 'that became my therapy', Mark said.

He went on to meet a new partner, who he has now been with for five years.

"She's incredibly supportive," Mark says. "She understands the concept of being in love with two people at the same time. But the love I have for her is a different type of love that I have for Claire. There's no conflict at all.

"Talking about a spouse who has died can become a taboo subject for people in relationships. People say 'have you moved on' but there is no moving on, it's moving forward. Moving on implies I've left something behind but I haven't."

*Bursting the Bubble - The Story of being Lost Without Her by Mark Oborn is available in paperback and ebook form from August 1 for £6.99 from https://lost-without-her.com/the-book/

It is also available from The Bookshop in Bridport.